Getting Calls

My husband, Ryan, and I were licensed as foster parents in May. We are hoping to adopt an infant through the foster care system. We are willing to foster and see where the road leads, but in the end we are hoping we will be a forever family for some one.

So far we have gotten three calls. The first time we didn't have a chance to say yes or no. The second time we said no. The third time we said yes.

The first call came at 2 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday night. I hadn't seen the number before on my phone. My groggy self assumed it was a wrong number. But I couldn't fall asleep thinking it might be foster care calling. I sent a text to the number and they responded immediately. I stumbled into the kitchen to call them back. They were looking to place a baby and a child. We would have said no, but while I was on the phone the lady received a text and the kids were covered. It was nice to not have to say no for our first call. We would have said no because we don't feel our family is prepared to care for any children older than our youngest, for the long term. But it was nice to have the experience of getting a call without having to say yes or no. The next morning I told Ryan, "We got our first call last night." He thought I was joking. He slept through the whole thing. At first, I didn't think the call upset me too much, but as the day wore on I found myself a little shaken. Just knowing that somewhere in my city, in the middle of the night, two little kids were taken from their home because it wasn't safe. It's heartbreaking. I felt sad for the kids, and for the parents.

The second call came on a Thursday afternoon. I was in a meeting planning the dates and venue for a concert we'll be doing to celebrate the release of my first album. I apologetically excused myself saying, "This might be foster care." They were looking for a home for a toddler girl, whose case was moving towards adoption. I called Ryan. We decided the age difference between the toddler and Squeeze wasn't quite enough. I called back and told them no.

I then proceeded to feel like crap all afternoon.

I thought of a million ways we could make it work. I thought through all our reasons for the age difference, and questioned every single one of them. I knew it was the right decision for our family but thought, "Who's going to make the right decision for her?" The need overwhelmed me, even though I knew, deep down, it wasn't our need to fill. Ry and my sister reminded me that a little toddler girl was probably some other foster family's exact hope. By evening, I was ok with it all. I felt peaceful about our decision, and confident that the girl had been placed. We are, after all, not the only foster parents in this city. It was an emotional few hours. I hadn't expected it would be so difficult to say no.

The very next Friday we received our third call. I was in the check out line at Hy-Vee and ignored the call. I checked the voice mail as soon as I got in the van. This time they were looking to place an infant girl with some medical issues. I called them right back. She was definitely young enough for our family, and I was a little excited. Her medical issues seemed manageable. I called Ry, and he had some hesitations due to her medical issues, but his sister, who is a nurse, was with him and he got advice from her. I went to see my sister, who has handled similar medical issues with her preemie. A good friend who is a nurse, was also there and they both made me feel quite capable that we could handle it. With this baby's case we also knew that it was foster only, it was not moving towards adoption. For some reason I just felt we were supposed to say yes anyway. Ryan agreed and I called them to say yes. They told us that there was another family interested, and they would call us one way or the other. I hadn't really thought of that. As you can tell from my emotional reaction after our second call, in the heat of the moment I seem to think I am the only foster parent in this entire city. Even though I know this is not true because I'm friends with quite a few awesome foster parents. To make a long, few hours of washing baby clothes and making sure I had directions to the baby's daycare, short...they didn't choose us.

I was disappointed, and, honestly, a little relieved. I was a little let down, but happy to be just us and the girls for a little while longer. I felt a tiny tinge of sadness, but was so happy to know there was another family who wanted her. What a blessing it would be if our city was so over loaded with foster parents, there was always ten homes for every child.  By evening, I was tired from the emotional roller coaster, but I was fine.

Getting calls reminds me to take advantage of every day I have just me and the girls. We could get THE call any second. I'll continue to pray for the baby who will be placed with us, and their parents. It'll happen. I believe God has a perfect plan. Yeah, I'm cheesy like that.

Fake Names

When we have foster babies in our home I am not able to post their picture anywhere on the internet or release their real name. This is for their protection and privacy. I am happy to comply.

So I figured it might be time to give all my loveys fake names for the blog. I need your help. I'd like to give them cute names, rather than just writing initials. And I'd rather it not be a nick name we actually call our girls. That kind of defeats the purpose. I'm thinking of calling Violet, Squeeze. I have no ideas for Nola. I'll probably fake name our foster babies as we get them. Nola wants to "name our new baby sister Bubble Grass." We'll see about that one.

Ideas for me?

Something You Should Know

I realized recently I've been writing posts about adoption and foster care with absolutely no life experience to back it up. So, take everything I say with a grain of salt, will you? I have a feeling I may look back at these posts one day and say to myself, "What was I thinking?!" Running the risk of someday realizing I had no idea what I was talking about...there is one more little thing I've been wanting to share with you about our family's decision to adopt.

When I tell people we are entering the world of foster care and hoping to adopt, I get some varied reactions. People who have any sort of experience with either fostering or adoption tend to congratulate us and say it's awesome. Or they give a little warning about how hard, yet rewarding, it will be. Others who have no experience with it often seem at odds for how to react. They're not sure to be happy or concerned for us. One guy said to us, "Exciting!...Right? Exciting is the thing to say?" That was a sweet one. Occasionally when I talk about it, I feel as if the person I'm talking to suddenly feels guilty. As if I'm preaching to them. In reference to the fostering part of our journey, the one thing I hear most often is, "Oh, good for you! I could never do that!

Because I am a Christian, most people assume I am doing this out of a desire to obey the scripture in James 1:27 that says, "Pure and real religion is this: take care of orphans and widows, and don't let the world corrupt you." (That's my paraphrase. Don't use it for your kids' memory verse this month or put it in your church bulletin for Sunday.) While that assumption is true, it is only part of my story. I do feel that every Christian should ask God how He wants them to live this scripture out in real life. But I am not adopting in order to tick off one of the boxes of good deeds that will get me into heaven.

Don't get me wrong. I am moved by the plight of the orphan around the world. It makes me sad to think of all those children in orphanages or foster homes. It's unfair that I have so much while they have so little. I hate that they are stuck in limbo land while I revel in steady permanence. But that's not why I'm adopting. Initially, it was the reason I asked Ryan if we could go on this journey together. But then, in all the considerations of where to adopt and how to adopt and can we adopt and is this even helpful...I stopped hearing the cries of orphans.


I heard my daughter crying for her mom.

That, my friends, changes everything. I'm telling you, I'm practically lactating it's so real to me. I don't feel like a Saint taking care of orphans. I feel like a mother on a desperate search to get to her child. And if you could hear what I hear, you could do it. The word never would not even be a consideration. When a mother hears her child crying, she can not stop herself from responding. I'm not a hero. I'm a mom.

In the end, I'm not adopting an orphan. I'm adopting my son. (Or my daughter. We did not put a gender preference on our application.) I heard one adoptive dad explain it like this: He has a biological son who was born prematurely. His son is a miracle, and while it is an amazing story, he does not introduce that son as "our preemie son Johnny". In the same way, he doesn't introduce his adopted son that way, either. Adoption is just the way a child enters a family. After the grand entrance, they're just in. I have also heard Kristen Howerton say, "You can save a child once. After that it's called parenting."

If you haven't heard that cry in your heart, don't feel weird when someone else tells you they have. Don't feel like you're not a good enough person to do it. Instead, sponsor a child. Give some time or money to a local crisis center in your city. Or help fund my friend Rachel's adoption. These are extremely important and valid ways to help orphans around the world. And, most definitely something you should consider. Adoption is not for everyone. I don't mean that in the way that not everyone is strong enough or heroic enough to adopt. I mean it in the same way as...not every baby is supposed to be born in October. Or, not every family is supposed to have ten children.

So I guess this is me letting you off the hook. There are so many ways to give care to orphaned children. Pick one. And if you're looking to grow your family, adoption is one beautiful way you could do that.

Mixed Emotions

"Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap—and charred ones at that?"

Nehemiah 4:2 

Our home study was completed this week. I know our agency probably has a lot of work to put it together now, but our part is done. Before the social worker came, I thought she was coming to our home for just a preliminary visit. I thought the big, scary home study was down the road. I'm glad I thought that. I saved myself from a lot of stressful cleaning. As she was heading out the door we asked her when our in-depth home study would be and she replied, "This was it." Sweet. When actual adoption comes across our path there will be more home visits, but technically she says we're done.

We felt like celebrating! I posted as my Facebook status, "Our home has been officially studied. We will be licensed for two. Bring on the babies!" 63 friends liked my status and 22 friends commented. That's some serious celebration.

But then that felt weird.

As we anticipate the joy of adding another child to our home, somewhere a mother is about to experience a deep loss. It's possible that somewhere our baby is not being thought of as good news. Somewhere a mom is breaking. A relationship is being torn apart. Circumstances are about to cave in on someone and bury them in brokenness. And, somehow, God is going to reach into that situation, pull from it the most beautiful charred stone, and give it to us.

Adoption is a beautiful redemption of a broken situation. Beauty from Ashes. It's hard to know when to grieve the ashes, and when to revel in the beauty.

When our baby does come to us, I hope I know when to grieve with them and when to celebrate with them. I hope I can make them understand how badly they are wanted by us, while still giving worth and respect to their beginning. I hope they will know that God saw them while they were being knitted together in their mother's womb, even though that womb was not mine.

And I hope, if God brings redemption to the whole situation, that we will be able to release our precious gem back to their first family knowing that God is a better author than we are. It may not be the story we would've written. And it will hurt our hearts to only be a blip in Scene Two when we wanted to be the best supporting actors of Act One. But God knows better than we do. We will make it the best Scene Two any baby has ever seen, gosh darn it! And then we will slip back stage, and most likely miss the rest of the Play.

Don't feel bad for us.  Every baby should get a great Scene Two! We're happy to do it. Someday, there will be a baby who needs us for all of Act One. What a reward that will be. But I hear the journey will be full of ups and downs. One foster/adoptive mother told me, "You gotta become a faster and a prayer to do this, girl!"

I always hated roller coasters as a child. This may be the scariest, and most exhilarating one yet.

The Short Story

Ryan and I are in the middle of classes to become certified and licensed foster parents. We feel our next child is going to come to our family through the miracle of adoption. After much prayer, thought, consideration, and advice from our parents and friends we decided to go the route of foster adopt in the United States. While there is great need all around the world for families to care for orphans, I feel in my heart that our next child is here in the States. We've decided the best fit for our family is to only bring children into our home who are younger than our youngest, 16 month old Violet. The greatest need for foster and adoption in the US right now is older children. However, there are infants who need families. It's not as common, but it happens. We are in no hurry to have a child in our home, so we are just getting everything ready, getting approved and checked out, and buying lockable cabinets and fire extinguishers. So when the time comes that there is an infant who needs a home, we are on the list.

We have decided to foster babies who are likely to be available for adoption. What that means is that we aren't waiting for an infant whose parents' parental rights have already been terminated, making the baby immediately available for adoption. We will foster them and see where their road leads. It may lead to reunification with their parents or another one of their family members may decide to adopt them. This is risky for our hearts and we know that. It's also a risk we are asking our girls to take and we know that as well. But we feel it's fair risk to ask of our girls. Love is always risky. Even if we get babies who don't stay with us forever, we know that the time we give to them is priceless. They won't remember us, but however much time we can give them in a home of peace and stability will affect their lives forever. We truly believe that.

I haven't blogged about this yet for a couple reasons. First, it's kind of like saying "Hey! Me and Ry are trying for a baby!" And, yeah, that's awkward and personal to tell the world. Secondly, it's a big step. I wanted to make sure we had really thought it through, talked with our parents and friends, and received advice from people in our life we love and trust. This is not something we have decided on a whim. And it's not something we would be able to do without our community of friends and family.

There is a chance that through the course of foster care classes we may decide to do things differently, maybe take a different path with adoption. I'll be glad to share the journey with you. Honestly, I hope that maybe it will inspire you to do something you've always dreamt of but it seemed too hard or risky or just didn't quite fit inside your white picket fence.

After discussion back and forth with my family about adoption, and the risks and myths, and the possible heartache of foster care, my dad said this to me:

"Do the hard thing, baby. You will never regret it in the long run."