Thursday, February 4, 2010
I'm 27. Shouldn't I be the best version of myself by now?
When I was a teenager, I always thought I would have myself figured out by thirty, for sure! I would have the perfect haircut that really worked for me and an incredibly self distinctive wardrobe. I would have three beautiful children who obeyed my every word and spoke two languages fluently. I would spend my afternoons writing the next great worship song while my babies took long naps. I would have three recordings under my belt, and be working on the next one. My house would always be impeccably clean. And my husband, he would...well...actually, my real husband is about a million times better than the teenage Charity would have ever come up with.
And yet I find myself still flipping through hairstyle magazines looking for that perfect cut. Watching movies and admiring the Heroine's put together clothes and thinking, "THAT'S how I should be dressing!" Wondering why perfect little Nola giggles at me when I tell her no. Wishing I was speaking in Spanish with her more. I haven't written a new song in a VERY long time. (It's so much more work than teenage Charity imagined!) I have not been approached by any recording companies to be the next Crystal Lewis. And my house is messy more often than it is clean. It makes me feel incomplete.
My mom lives five hours from me. I wish everyday that I could see her beautiful face and tell her all my problems. My friend Leslie lives in Chicago, and is one of the dearest friends I have ever had. We do our best through emails, but there's nothing like being face to face. Poo on you, Time-Space Continuum! Not only do we all have pieces of our hearts spread through out the globe geographically, we all have loved ones we've lost, as well. When we lose them, something inside feels unfinished. We have grandfathers who lived long, full self-less lives before we said goodbye... cousins who were taken too early... nieces who lived for nine hours... babies we never got to hold...and even dads who all too soon beat us to the other side. And we will never quite feel the same without them. And we aren't supposed to.
Because there is really only one thing that is going to finish us...and that is the Face of God. This life is like one big, long tease of all the Beauty we will get to behold on the other side. Without inhibitions. Without baggage. Without wishing we were better. Without this haze that bogs us down. This glass we are looking through dimly will finally shatter. And we will see Him. And then...we will be complete.