When Ryan and I found out we were pregnant for the first time, I was freakishly excited. I told him, "I've wanted to be a mom since I was two years old. Hate to say it, Babe, but little girls dream of being moms before they ever dream of being wives." The baby would come in July. Ruby would be the birthstone. In typical Ryan fashion, he made a movie to announce our news. It was awesome. We showed it to everyone. We shouted our news from the rooftops. We found out that THREE of my friends were expecting in July as well! I was feeling great, and to make life even more wonderful, it was Christmastime.
And then the baby was gone.
I had been feeling strange all day. Somehow my body just didn't feel right, and even in my spirit it felt like something was wrong. We went Christmas shopping that night, and I started cramping so much that I had to sit down on a bench in the middle of Wal-Mart. I hate that bench. I still pass it all the time. Right by the spray paint. Once we got home, I knew for sure something was wrong. I called my parents. My poor doctor Dad. I know it must be hard to wear both those hats at the same time. I know he didn't want it to be what it sounded like. I called my midwife. She told me what to expect for the night. The next day we went in for an ultrasound and found out that the baby really was gone. I think it was December 19th.
Time passed. It was heart wrenching to watch my friends' bellies grow and not be able to join the pregnancy chatter after church. But Ryan and I were very lucky. By the time July rolled around, I was blessed to be visibly pregnant with Nola. But even though I could feel Nola kicking inside me, when my friend's babies were born that July...I cried.
It hit me that the baby I was pregnant with now, was not the baby I had lost. We got pregnant again so quickly after our loss, that sometimes the pregnancies rolled together in my mind. It was as if the miscarriage was just a set back in starting our family. After getting pregnant again I had myself convinced I was fine. But that July I grieved again for our first baby that would have been born that month. It was an important, but painful, realization. Nola's birthstone would be a beautiful orange topaz. The baby I lost was a deep red ruby.
It was amazing to me how many women I knew had stories to share with me after they heard about my loss. It really is such a private thing, losing a baby so soon after announcing your pregnancy. Some women don't even get time to announce it, or choose not to, by the time their baby is gone. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some people name their babies. Some people plant a tree. Ryan and I never did any of those things. But the month of July has a special place in my heart. And even though I have the memories of the loss in December, I still feel a little heartache each July.
A few months after Nola was born, I went to a funeral for a good friends' grandad. Keith Lawson. Yes, his name deserves it's own sentence. If you'd known him, you'd understand. He was one of the kindest men I've ever known. He was at church every Sunday when I was little and always gave high fives to all the little kids. It was a beautiful funeral full of the hope we have in Jesus. During one of the songs, I saw what was like a little video playing in my mind's eye. I saw Grandad Keith, happy in Heaven. He was giving a high five to a little tiny girl. After the high five, he pointed at her and said, "Hey! I knew your mom." I cried and cried. I knew that Jesus was taking care of my baby, even though I couldn't.
I know there are probably a surprising number of you reading this who share this story. I hope you feel reminded today...
Jesus remembers our rubies.
A very touching post. A friend of a friend recently lost a set of twins. It was her first pregnancy, first marriage and she had just moved to America from England. She's in her 40s, so this isn't an easy feat unto itself. Hopefully time and love will heal her wounds.
ReplyDeleteMy mom lost a baby before she had me. She says she still thinks of him/her (too young to know the sex) but if it was going to be a boy she would have named him Eric, after her father. My name starts with an E, so I guess it helps keep the memory alive in a way.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. You never know how your experience can help another person heal.
Our baby was too young to know the sex as well. For some reason I just always pictured a girl. Maybe I'll get a surprise in Heaven!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Charity! Thanks for putting the memory of our precious rubies into words.
ReplyDeleteOh my. This makes me ache for you. And it made me cry. And it makes me so grateful to know you, because this is absolutely beautiful. Keith Lawson does deserve his own sentence. I don't remember hearing of that experience before, and it made me cry hard too. What a hopeful, wonderful picture.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you even wrote this. I'm still weeping from reading it. But it isn't an entirely sad weep. I'm so grateful for eternity, and so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI only told mom and dad about that experience at the time. It's quite personal. I hope I didn't overshare. I think it might help others to hear it, though.
ReplyDeleteAnd that it will. Thank you for the memory of our rubies, or whatever precious gem they may be. And for the wonderful hope we have ahead.
ReplyDeleteMom, I did cry while I wrote it. And now I cry when I read the comments from my friends who lost babies too.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's very touching and sweet. Thank you so much for posting this. We lost a little girl, she was Lizzie's twin. I think it hit me the hardest on Lizzie's first birthday and I don't even know why, but the Lord blessed me one day by letting me know she is ok. I named her Emily Grace which was a name the Lord gave me in a dream when I was pregnant with them. I can't wait to see her just as I'm sure you can't wait to see your other little girl. Thanks again for the memory of our rubies.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I didn't realize the name would show up as Boken S. This is Lisa Conway.
ReplyDeleteCharity, this is so touching. Of course, tears filled my eyes as I read it. We did get to see our little Luke David, but he had already gone to live with Jesus. I still miss him. I am reading "Heaven is For Real" and there's a precious story in there that's very similar to the picture Jesus gave you about your little Ruby. Thanks so much for sharing your heart here! Your experience is touching others!
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful, Charity. I've been here myself, twice. The second time was quickly followed by a new pregnancy, like you. I vividly remember the confusion of trying to separate the continued grief from my new joy because either emotion felt like I was betraying one or the other. God is good though, and I know He takes care of my babies. I will see them one day :o).
ReplyDeletePolly Sturm
Thanks for sharing your heart Charity! It was wonderful and very touching! Thankful for Nola & Violet and for babies in heaven that are daily in the presence of their Father!
ReplyDeleteWow. You totally made me cry.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the hardest things are the reminders. Our own "bench at the mall". The day that I was supposed to go in for my first prenatal appointment (with my second pregnancy) I stayed home instead. And watched someone else's child so they could go be with their sister, who was having a baby. Every year that she celebrates his birth, I remember.
But I also remember that my due date was February 3rd. It was a Sunday, and a woman from our church got up and spoke for a few minutes on covenant, and promises. And it was healing.
I know what you mean about oversharing, because I have felt the same way before. These are not stories that we want to have a common, everyday feel. But every time I do share the story, I think, "God has shown Himself so good in all of this." And that makes it feel ok. Because His glory has been revealed in our lives, and that will never be commonplace.
I'm so glad He remembers our rubies.
Beautifully told! Thank you Charity for who you are and for your faith that was expressed in this post! Jesus is faithful :)
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